I’ll get by with a little help from my friends

Self compassion is something I preach, it’s something that 90% of the time I practice. I’ve been open about my journey and as a result I find people coming to me for a chat or advice about their own journey. I’ve said it before it’s incredibly humbling, to hear that your story has helped someone else and every single person who has turned to me for help has in turn helped me. It’s why I’m always looking for a more open dialogue on mental health, we can all learn an awful lot from one another, from what has worked for one person and of course to normalize the entire matter. As I said in my previous blog, educating myself on different techniques and learning from others has been key to me making the progress I have made.

I am aware I will always going forward have times when I’m going to slip back into really anxious or dark places. I can accept that and I can get through that. It’s a well trodden path and I have a lot of tools to help me manage. With the best will in the word I learned the past week sometimes all rational and everything I learned will go out the window. I had a blip and very much felt I was back at square one.

Now I wasn’t, but was locked, remain locked in a battle between the rational and irrational parts of my head. An actual representation of an angel and devil on my two shoulders, the rational angel currently winning the battle thankfully. I know how to cope and manage bad times, I know I don’t need a reason why I am anxious and struggling, writing is me taking my power back from the devil who is telling me I’m weak and I won’t get through. Hence this post, writing is one of my greatest tools in the struggle.

Every time I have a battle my strongest and fiercest ally will always be my support circle. My close circle is small, tough times will always reveal those who are meant to stay by your side and I certainly have found that out. Life moves on, we all grow and change and those you are meant to stay with you will. Hard times will always reveal true friends and I am beyond lucky to have the best bunch of people alongside my family steering me when I tend to loose the run of myself. When I forget to be kind to myself I have one constant in my now wife to remind me what I need to be doing and where I’ve come from in the past.

I would go to me for advice, I generally have a good grasp of my mental health and keep it in check. So it’s a surreal experience to be coming out of a week where all rational disappeared and I struggled badly as a result. As I said above I had a few people who were willing to point out what is generally obvious to me but I had lost sight of this week. Not walking the path alone has seen me emerge from it yet again. The tightness in my chest has moved on and I am able to reflect, again I was quick to reach for help which is a good sign. I’m not going to sit and beat myself up for being hard on myself as that would become a circle of negative thoughts.

I have accepted this week, probably haven’t embraced it as I have at times. A new willingness to keep working on my mental health and staying on top of things. I’m coming through it with clearer eyes and a pride to say I made it and as always my story isn’t over yet.

“Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others”

“This is a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. Let me be kind to myself in this moment. Let me give myself the compassion I need”

“When you go through the hardest of times, the people that come to your aid are the ones that you will carry with you forever. The people that don’t, no matter how close you perceived them to be, should not be part of your inner circle. Pain and hardships help highlight who is, who has and who will always be there for you throughout the roller coaster of life”

Just have a little patience…… and a hat full of tools

Some days I need to write, today is one of those days. I am due in Dublin for an appointment, I have decided to travel solo for the first time in god knows how long. I am literally teetering on the edge for the past 4 days with the thought of it but here I am and so I’ll write.

I regularly talk about baby steps and appreciating the small wins, being kind to yourself, I’ve become better over time at taking my own advice on board. It’s naive to expect a recovery from a physical injury or mental health issue to occur over night. While I am the opposite end of the spectrum, walking this road since November 2013 but I have progressed beyond where I thought I would. I certainly would have been able to undertake a solo journey despite the fact I am currently shaking and on the edge of a panic attack!

I have made peace with the fact that my mental health is something that requires constant training, there is no “oh I’m better I no longer have depression/anxiety” but I can proudly say “I’ve now reached a point where it is having less and less of a negative impact on my life” This is the bones of 4 and a half years of work, starting with denial, followed by numerous break downs and running head first into walls as I thought “I’m better that’s behind me” There is no better but there is progress, plenty of progress.

If I compare my mental health to physical health which at times can be the easiest way to describe it. I’m not going to sit static for months on end and suddenly go out and run a marathon, I’m going to train and build up my fitness until I reach a point where I am physically fit enough to complete that marathon. If I don’t train my mind is a similar manner I am going to keep running into that wall. Boom or bust. As with physical health mental health needs training. I have assembled tools that help me.they have changed and altered over time as has my outlook and understanding of my own head. What works for me won’t work for everyone and it’s all hit and miss and again not expecting miracles overnight. Here are some of things that help me, bearing in mind I have spoken about medication and therapy in the past, so don’t want to dwell on either of them much here.

The main tool is patience, as the saying goes it’s a virtue and something that does not come naturally to me. I set silly goals for where I should be at both physically and mentally. I’d inevitably fail with these and end up crashing. Once I re ran this cycle about 15 times my outlook adjusted and the goals went out the window. I very much live in the present moment and stop telling myself where I should be. Give yourself a break and stop comparing yourself to others.

Mindfulness…. the old reliable, this was a tough one for me to buy into. I am wired to the moon by my nature and again it was a difficult transition to having the ability to switch off and zone out when I need to. Now don’t get me wrong, if I am having a bad few days this becomes increasingly difficult but it’s something that needs work, practice and an open mind to. It something that has helped me to live in the present moment and I look forward to those few moments in a day where I can switch off. Don’t let the word meditation throw you. Do you need to be anxious or depressed to practice a bit of mindfulness? Absolutely not and it’s refreshing to see it being introduced to children at a younger and younger age.

CBT, this is a work in progress with me. I am fairly green when it comes to it and the majority of my knowledge has come from a “CBT for dummies” book along with a few chats with people substantially more in the know than me. I have not been to a specific CBT therapist and am very much self thought. There are lots of assistance’s there in the form of literature online and audiobooks/podcasts that simplify the whole thing and again while it’s a work in progress it’s been a huge help for me when I’m in a particularly anxious state.

Educating myself, I enjoy reading and learning from others experiences. It’s probably a big reason I write. I have gained an incredible amount from others being open and honest about their stories. It normalizes the whole situation for me. I’m not insane cause when you actually open your eyes and ears most people have had some experience with mental health problems. I understand it’s not the easiest thing to be open but it doesn’t need to be on a large scale, speak to those close to you. The more we talk the more normal this whole conversation becomes, but that’s the reality. It’s normal, physical injuries and illnesses are normal why do we insist on treating mental health and illness differently.

Kindness and empathy. Walk a mile in my shoes, no one ever knows what’s going on with someone else. So pause take a minute before you horse into ridiculing someone for doing something you perceive to be wrong. It would be a very boring world if we were all the same, has running someone else down made your day great? Nope didn’t think so. This is probably particularly relevant in the current social media obsessed climate. If someone is successful they seem to have an immediate target on their head for no reason other than their success. Someone sharing their lives online doesn’t mean you know what is going with them on an emotional or personal level before leveling a smart comment, take a second and put yourself in their shoes. Every single person on this planet is fighting their own battles and in world where you can be anything, be kind.

Exercise, again I dedicated my last blog to this so don’t need to say anything other than it is without doubt my current therapy of choice, a spinning bike and ploughing along as best I can to the haunting strains of Dolores O Riordan singing rather aptly about Zombies in your head. I never leave the gym or finish a run and feel worse than when I started. It was such a huge loss to me when I couldn’t train so I am very much embracing every second of this latest and best tool.

Writing of course. I went from walking onto this train shaking to now feeling a lot more grounded 2 hours later as I have typed this blog. If you have taken the time to read it and reached the end then thanks. I hope my tools can maybe become helpful for you on your journey.

As always let’s keep the dialogue open and share our stories.

“Don’t be ashamed of your story it will inspire others”

from my taboo subject to my friend: exercise

So, almost a year since I’ve written, plenty of reasons but the main one being the progress I’ve made. I spoke last April about me fighting against the thought of going back on medication to steady my mood and anxiety levels, how my ego stopped me, it told me I should be strong enough to progress without it but thankfully I heeded the advice around me and went back on medication. A year later I am medication free for almost 8 months and both mentally and physically in a better place I ever thought I would be.

I’ve spoken about how difficult I found the loss of being able to play sport, it was a loss that I really struggled to come to terms with hugely, actually that’s incorrect it’s something I struggle with daily. Playing football was my life and I will always struggle with having that taken from me when I was 27. However life comes at you and challenges you and it’s about how you adjust. My pain levels meant I could only do minor levels of exercise. Last August/September I spoke with my physio about maybe starting to add a bit of exercise back into my life. He was as always encouraging and set me up with a programme to introduce running, a slow process but that was going to be the key, baby steps but keep on moving forward. I wasn’t sure how my body would react to increased activity levels but I was very much at a stagnant point with my pain. I was in constant pain in my lower back and doing very little activity wise wasn’t easing the pain levels so it was time to jump into the unknown and push my body again. I finished up with pain management in September and the consultant encouraged pushing my body on a bit and once I wasn’t aggravating or increasing pain levels.

So a new step into the unknown and back in to a gym for the first time since 2013. Much research done about finding the right place to aid my recovery and I landed on Fitnessworx on the Tramore Road. Now to attempt to put a bit of context to this, over the past few years developed the most horrible social anxiety, I’m comfortable with my usual places and people but anything outside of that can literally send me into the worst of panic attacks. The excitement and relief of getting the all clear to train again was pretty much being overcome by that level of anxiety. Again I was stuck, a number of gentle nudges from my usual support group and I went in.

I can’t speak highly enough of the staff of Fitnessworx, the simplest of gestures when you walk in the door of somewhere new can make the world of difference to someone who really is struggled to catch their breath walking into the unknown. I could say a thousand things about the staff there but that would be a boring ol blog but I can just say I’m eternally grateful for making what was a terrifying ordeal for me personally all the easier. The smallest show of kindness can make such a difference and maybe we don’t say thank enough so here’s a thank you.

Onto the one thing I never thought I’d write about for one main reason. When I was having really bad struggles with depression most things I read the answer was “oh exercise and you’ll be grand” It drove me mad presumably because exercise wasn’t an option for someone who couldn’t get out of the bed due to physical pain. So I’m not here to tell ye that exercise is the answer to all mental health problems. I can however advocate how helpful a tool it can be to managing your depression and anxiety. Same way as anything else though it’s about having more than one tool to deal with struggles that come your way. Your body like your mind will struggle at times, me for instance, I’m currently nursing a flare up in my neck and am finding that again exercise is not an option for a short time hence I’m writing, I’m meditating more and talking, talking a lot. Being open about my fears about where my head will go now that exercise has been put on the back burner. Reading the few books I have that are my mental health bibles. This works for me, might not work for you but it’s all about trying and seeing what is good for you.

Back to exercise and how it’s helped my anxiety levels. Anxiety has proved a bigger problem than depression in the long run for me. I regularly suffer from horrible nights where I can’t breath and am convinced I’m dying. I know how irrational that sounds but that’s my life and I have adjusted to it. In the early days of having panic attacks I was literally bed bound for days even weeks in some cases. I’ve embraced now that I can’t stop these attacks happening but I can change how I react to them. I make an effort to get into the gym or out for a run as soon as I can after a panic attack, it’s not the easiest thing to do, energy levels will be a lot lower so I’ll just do something light but I have yet to feel worse after it. I’ll have walked in with my head down and walk out with a smile on my face. Exercise naturally gives a spike in endorphins which help firstly physical pain levels and second trigger a positive feeling in the body.

The exercise I’ve pushed my body and mind to embrace has had nothing but positive effects on both my physical and mental health. Am I better? No, I’m always learning on what works for me but I am certainly a lot closer to where I was in early November 2013 before I was assaulted. I still have constant pain, pain is a part of my life, I haven’t had a pain free day since November 2013 but the training I’ve been doing has brought pain from a 4-5 to only a 1-2. There have been plenty of bumps on this latest chapter of my journey but my strength is not something I question anymore, my confidence continues to grow and I own my struggles.

There’s a lot of highly qualified people who can advice you if you are struggling physically or mentally and can point you in the right direction of what might help you. As always if you are struggling, I’m always available for a chat and to share my ongoing stories and battles.

I will always speak about normalising your mental struggles, the more people open up the more we can take the stigma away from it. Most people are a little broken, open up and share. Your story will inspire others and you’ll be surprised at how many people have been there too.

 

“In a world where you can be anything, be kind”

“Exercise is the most underutilized antidepressant”

“Recovery begins at exactly the moment when you are completely broken to pieces and must surrender to unfamiliar and uncomfortable ways in order to be rebuilt into who you were meant to be”

 

 

 

A sit down with my ego

It’s 3 and a half years since the incident that was the catalyst so all the madness that has become by life. Round and round in circle I seem to keep going. Physically is out of my hands I help it by following the rehab programmes I’m given but I certainly have not helped myself mentally. I have a bad few weeks, I use the tools I have and work my way back out into the brightness. Another few weeks passes I launch myself hell for leather into whatever my life has for me and while I’m good and up I tend to totally forget that I ever had any problems. I’m great I’m as much the old me as I can be but sure enough a few weeks pass and I run head first back into the wall. Back into the darkness. Literally 3 years in a vicious circle.

Anxiety attacks, social anxiety, depression, nightmares, not really so much fun. A session with my psychologist back in February the suggestion was raised of medication, do I need to go back on medication to settle my mood and to help the incredible anxiety levels I was trying to function through. I cannot explain how horrified I was initially at the thought. Medication?! God no I am strong enough to cope with this all medication free. When you keep in mind I previously took medication during my first bout and I found it hugely helpful I’m not too sure why I became so apposed to it. Well I do now a few weeks on. My ego. My ego told me I am too strong and if I need to go back on medication I am essentially failing. I should add this is not a conclusion I came to myself, this took my psychologist, gp and partner saying this to me a number of times. I was looking at medication as a failure when it’s the furthest thing from it. My biggest struggle through all of this has been being kind to myself. I am the most understanding person in the world when it comes to others who come to me for a chat about their struggles but I give myself not even the tiniest fraction of that understanding. If someone came to me and explained the exact way I am feeling to me I would in all likelihood advise them to talk to a GP and express that I was on medication in the past and it was a huge help but still when the word medication was mentioned to me I turned my back initially. I am improving with how I treat myself but it’s a really slow process.

I started on medication and it is helping me, no doubt about it. I am probably the most positive that I have been about the future and my ability to cope with the road bumps along the way. Mainly because I have confronted my ego and also identified the issues that have my slipping back into that dark hole I spoke about way back when. I was filling my time literally all my time with things to avoid thinking about the bad things.  I have my better half the most patient person alive on hand the check me. I’m not over committing to anything and for the first time in a long long time I find myself honestly enjoying life a lot more.

Enjoying the good things and meeting the bad things head on dealing with them. I am truly blessed with a great support system I always say that and I can’t emphasize it enough. The fact that I have been very open speaking about on my struggles means people feel a comfortable asking me about them. I hope this blog can help someone who is having the same issues I was having with my ego. It was such a huge stumbling block to my long term recovery and it took me a long time to acknowledge it.

I have balanced my recovery now both with and without medication, I have the tools for when the time comes to come off the medication to manage myself going forward and for now I have medication to give me a little kick start on this leg of my journey. Whatever steps you take on your journey it does not make you weak. Confronting and facing up to your struggles requires more strength than you realize.

As always thanks for reading

“Mental Health…. Is not a destination but a process, it’s about how you drive, not where you’re going”

12 Months On

As 2016 nears its end, I’ve found myself like the majority of others reflecting on the year gone by. This time last year I was in a really bad place. A lot of days not able to face getting out of bed or leaving the house. It was horrible, it was a place I didn’t see a way out of a lot of the time but thankfully I reached out and was pulled along by a handful of truly amazing people. 12 months later I’m in such a better place. If you told me this time last year where I’d be now I’d have shrugged you off but I am proof that things will get better, things will improve. “Some might say that sunshine follows the thunder”

I vividly remember like it was yesterday lying on the floor in my sitting room and just crying. Crying hysterically and not being able to stop, it was probably the lowest ebb I’ve been at. I was in crippling pain physically and my mind really didn’t have much fight left in it. I’ve said before in my blogs and I truly believe that when you are low surviving the day is enough. You survive the darkest days to get onto the brighter ones. Late 2015 and early 2016 was just that for me, surviving. But I did, I survived and I came to terms with my struggles.

I immersed myself in my recovery and while it wasn’t and still isn’t plain sailing I’m more together now than I’ve been since November 2013 when the nightmare began. Someone asked me recently “how did you get better” For me there is no better. My recovery is a journey. My mental health struggles are a part of me, they will always be there. I didn’t get better, I am just now in a place where I can manage them and not allow my struggles to impact on my day to day life. Don’t get me wrong I still have bad days but I manage them better now. I still have days where I don’t want to get dressed or get up, I just accept it and go with it, I respect that sometimes maybe my body and mind just need a little break.

I wrote a blog last year in December about wanting to understand more; understand more about why I’m struggling and understand how I can manage my issues. I wanted to be able to identify triggers and I also wanted to see could I manage my way medication free (For the record I took anti-depressants in the past and they were effective but I was on such a cocktail of medication for injuries I needed to try to manage medication free. I am not someone who is anti medication, I have done if before and it worked. This was just a personal choice)

In January I found myself sitting face to face with a psychologist and it was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my recovery. It’s something that has helped me hugely and something I can’t see myself going without again. I would highly recommend it to anyone who is struggling. An impartial voice and a professional helping hand to help me figure out me and the right direction for me. This has been key for me. Key to me moving the right direction and it’s brilliant for me to see sessions becoming less frequent as I have made progress.

A big thing for me has been embracing my struggles. By embrace I don’t mean I’m happy about them but I learn from them and continue to do so. It has allowed me to embrace the present more than I would have previously. My struggles have shaped me, they have ultimately, I think made me a better person. I’m more mindful, understanding and an awful lot more empathetic. I’ve also become selfish, I’ve stopped trying to please everyone and do what works for me. I’ve had to be selfish and I’ve no problem saying that. I know what works for me and what doesn’t and I simply don’t do things that I know will make me anxious or uncomfortable. Not everyone will understand that side of things but as my better half likes to say “Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind”

I’m keeping this short, I just felt like writing about the progress I’ve made in 12 months. I could go on all night about other things that have helped me and I’m sure I will in the future but I just needed to write about where I was 12 months ago and where I am now. Things get better I can’t emphasize that strongly enough.

To my wonderful family & friends who get me through not just the bad times but ensure I have plenty of great times thank you all, I owe you everything. To everyone who has read my blogs this year, interacted with me in any way on it thank you. Thanks to those who have shared their stories, you inspire me and give me strength.

I hope everyone has a wonderful 2017 and we as a society can continue to improve how we approach mental health issues. We are all so much stronger and resilient that we are willing to give ourselves credit for. Be kind to yourself and if you are struggling reach out for help, you are not alone even if you think you are I assure you you’re not.

“Mental Illness is not a choice but recovery is”

“Healing doesn’t mean the damage never existed. It means the damage no longer controls our lives”

“Mental health…. is not a destination but a process. It’s about how you drive, not where you’re going”

 

 

I Don’t Wanna Talk About It

I originally spoke out about my mental health struggles as another form of therapy. A way to cope and a way to stop the isolation I felt. That maybe if I could find a way out of the isolation the whole problem would be that little bit easier to face. It’s wonderful and humbling that I have been able to help others but that really was just a bonus.

I spoke out because I needed to destroy the isolation I felt. I am by my nature all my life a happy person, loud and a bit of a messer. People then come to expect that persona all of the time. And maybe a reason I suffered in silence for so long. Depression is a part of me now; it probably took a long time to come to that realisation. My struggles have certainly changed me immeasurably as a person and very much so for the better. I’ve spoke before about how I have come to embrace it, as strange a concept as that still seems to me but yeah I embrace it. I don’t shy away from it. What I’ve found over the past few weeks and it has maybe knocked me a bit is how some people are still so incredibly uncomfortable when you mention anything mental health related. People will talk about it and what changes need to be made in society but put them in front of someone who openly says “I suffer from x y or z” and bang a huge change. A level of discomfort plain to see.

 

In early October I hit a wall again, panic attacks became a part of my life and I was exhausted, as a result I was out of work for a few weeks while I recharged and refocused my energies. Figuring out what to do to keep my depression and anxiety to a manageable level and avoid running head first into that wall which seems to be an ongoing trend for me. Striking the balance between everything in my life remains a battle to keep both my physical and mental health right.

 

I returned to work after a few weeks and I made a decision before I came in, if people ask where I was I was being honest and I was. If people asked about why I wasn’t in work I’d tell the truth. In and out of work if someone asked I would say exactly why I was out. If I was out as a result of my physical injury I would have no issue saying it so why when I am so open about my mental health struggles the other 95% of the time was I choosing to not say it in work or when someone asked me why I wasn’t in work.

 

A certain wanting not to be perceived as “weak” maybe at the centre of it. I’m not weak though, I surprise myself with the strength I show and have shown. I’m a lot stronger than I would have ever given myself credit for. If I was looking in at someone else in my shoes I’d be blown away by them and how they face everyday so I need to be kinder to me and give myself the same credit I would give someone else. So sure enough if I was asked I was honest, the response at times a small head tilt and a quick exit from them room from some of those questioning. Or change the subject as quick as possible. It’s something I laughed off but it really got me thinking again. We are still a million miles off being able to have an open conversation about mental health. I have had some brilliant discussions with brilliant people on the subject but there is still this huge level of discomfort when it’s brought up in some circles. Its ok for me to laugh it off I’m comfortable talking about it and very comfortable in where I’m at with my mental health and how I deal with it on a daily basis.

 

I’m not about to change my views and my willingness to talk about it, I’ve always said if someone is uncomfortable that is their issue and not mine. Not that I’m about to go shoving my issues into someone’s face or purposely go about making someone feel uncomfortable but why do we always answer with “I’m grand” when it could be the furthest thing from reality.

 

We need more open dialogue, we as a society need to change. We are too reactive. We need to talk about mental health and address it as something that could come to my door, not something that is someone else’s problem because whether we choose to acknowledge it or not it’s on the doorstep of every household in this country in some shape or form.

 

 

 

“Depression is such a cruel punishment. There are no fevers, no rashes, no blood tests to send people scurrying in concern, just the slow erosion of self, as insidious as cancer. And like cancer, it is essentially a solitary experience; a room in hell with only your name on the door”

 

“1 in 4 people, like me, have a mental health problem. Many more people have a problem with that” Stephen Fry

 

“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candour, more unashamed conversation about illnesses that affect not only individuals but their families as well.” Glenn Close

Listen to Yourself

It’s World Mental Health day and I am currently in the depths of a pretty shit place. Feels like it’s apt to pop on and write down my feelings and reassess where I’m going.

Last Thursday morning at 3am I found myself sitting in the waiting room on South Doc whole body shaking and breathing into a brown paper bag. I had woken from my slumber an hour previous, dripping with sweat and completely unable to breath. I had got my partner up and there was absolutely zero convincing me that I was no at the point in time dying. That might sound dramatic, it sounds dramatic to me reading it but that was how I was feeling. A tightness in my chest and a complete inability to get any breath into my body. I was dizzy, the room was spinning, nauseous and honestly felt like it was all coming to an end. My partner tried to reassure me, you’re having a panic attack, you’re ok. “No I’m not I’m dying ring the doctor because I’m dying”

It was one of the worst experiences of my life, I had previously had panic and anxiety attacks but nothing on this level. The feeling of pain gripping every inch of my body and the paralyzing feeling of not being able to breath. It was a different level of fear and it has left me drained beyond belief.

As I’ve previously stated and as my previous blogs indicate I have a history of depression and PTSD. I was assaulted back in November 2013 and my struggles began then. For the most part I deal with them well, I didn’t always, in fact for the first while I buried my head in the sand until I hit a wall. Since that head on collision and collapse I’ve been very open and have found myself sharing my story both near and far. In my darkest times I took inspiration and strength from others stories and I felt by sharing mine maybe I would be able to offer a similar help to someone.

I’ve never proclaimed to be an expert, I give advice based on my own experiences. I was texting a friend last week and she said “all about not neglected myself either” I of course said 100% but yet I found myself in the exact space where I have completely neglected myself. Why are we all so quick to give advice to others, solid advice but are completely unable to take our own advice on board.Why can’t we be as empathetic and understanding to ourselves as we are to those we care about?

As I recovered from my issues I found myself in a position taking a lot on. I forgot the important thing that I am in recovery, it wasn’t until a extremely trusted friend pointed it out to me last Thursday that I considered myself as someone in recovery. There’s no quick fix to mental health problems and your body won’t be long telling you to ease up as I found out the very difficult way last Thursday in the small hours of the morning.

I am someone who has found it very helpful to compare my mental health struggles to a physical injury. I hope there will come a time it will be looked at by more that way. If I hurt myself physically I will rehab my injury and I won’t neglect it so why neglect your mental health. Being unable to see it makes it no less real.

I am now aware while I may feel better mentally, it’s never too far away to slip back into that darkness. I’m in recovery and I hope I won’t forget that again. If I neglect myself and my mental health I will slip back there. I hope it was a very harsh lesson for me to learn, while the panic attack was a horrible experience, I want to turn it into a positive and learn from it.

Being busy and taking on 101 things is ok once you balance it, don’t attempt to go from 0-60 or the harsh reality is there will be a crash at the end of it. Be kind to yourself and go with your body, if you feel tired, rest. If you need a few hours to switch off take them. Don’t push and push until the only way to go is down.

I’m currently trying to get over the panic attack, as I said it’s left me drained beyond measure so a lot of resting up and sleeping and trying to get back to practicing mindfulness which is a tool I found extremely helpful but had just left slip out of my daily routine and maybe I’ve learned to be a little bit kinder and empathetic to myself. Advice I’ve freely given out over the past 18 months and am finally taking on board myself.

 

“A panic attack goes from 0 to 100 in an instant. It’s halfway between feeling like you’ll faint and feeling like you’ll die”

“You don’t just choose recovery. You have to keep choosing it over and over again”

 

Shame

 

 

It’s been a few weeks since I’ve written. Personal update is good, moving the right direction with small steps but once I’m going forward I can’t complain.

Since I put my story out there I’ve been blown away by the support, people who are incredibly understanding and willing to offer whatever help they can be it an ear to listen, a bit of advice whatever it is.

 

What has surprised me most about the past year and a bit since I spoke out is the amount of people who feel comfortable approaching me to share their story, their journey. It’s the most humbling experience for someone to come and say “you helped me” that is mad to me but as I said humbling. I certainly wouldn’t have gotten through my darkest times without help from others and to think that my story can help someone else is phenomenal. I gain incredible strength from others, someone thinks by speaking to me I’m helping them what they don’t realise is how much they are inspiring me to continue fighting. So if you have reached out, thank you, you’ve helped me more than I ever could have helped you.

 

I generally don’t go more than a few days without someone speaking to me about their journey and the overwhelming emotion a lot of people seem to have is Shame. I understand it, I really understand it. For a country that has undoubtedly made huge strides in terms of acknowledging mental health problems there is still so much to be done.

 

I was in the same boat for a long time, I didn’t speak about my issues until I ran head first into a wall, I was ashamed, my life wasn’t bad I was and am surrounded by wonderful people, yeah I was in a bad situation by an incident that was no fault of my own but I should have been stronger to fight through it. I had that mentality for months, just plodding along fighting a battle on my own because I was ashamed. I obviously have overcome the shame and went to the opposite extreme, I’m proud. Proud I overcame and continue to overcome my darkness. Proud that I spoke out and proud that in whatever small way I have been able to help others.

 

There’s no shame in struggling with our own minds, no shame in being overcome by darkness. What we don’t realise is so many people are in similar boats, the front we present to the outside world doesn’t reflect the turmoil on the inside. Don’t be ashamed of your struggles, your struggles don’t define you but they are a part of you.

It took me a very long time to get to the point where I embrace the bad, that sounds strange but that’s what I do. I embrace the bad days and the fact that as humans we have the strength to overcome the bad.

 

Don’t be ashamed of your story or your struggles; speak about them with someone you trust or someone who has been down a similar road. The more we speak out and talk openly the more we contribute to overcoming the stigma that still cripples so many and holds people back from overcoming their struggles.

 

“Shame is a soul eating emotion”

 

“When we are in shame, we don’t see the big picture; we don’t accurately think about our strengths and limitations. We just feel alone, exposed and deeply flawed”

 

“Shame cannot survive being spoken. It cannot survive empathy”

 

 

 

In the darkest hour

I previously mentioned keeping a diary, something which has been an invaluable source of therapy to me on my journey. I find it easy to write when I’m feeling ok, to reflect back upon and write of the dark times, that dark hole that consumes me. December and early 2016 was a terrible time for me. Plummeted back to square one in the battle against myself and my demons. As I emerge from the darkness a stronger person I feel it’s a good idea to reflect on those dark days. To see some of my entries from my darker days and as I said in a previous blog it’s import to forget the guilt and the why and to focus of the progress. So I’ve decided to post an entry.

Apart from doing this for me on a personal level and although I appreciate my blogs have helped people I did start them as a form of therapy for me. Originally I didn’t have any intention of sharing them publicly, they were there to be found but my name isn’t attached and apart from one football related one there was nothing to say it was me. I shared them with family and a few close friends and after a gentle nudge I shared them more publicly, stood up and said this is my story and my experiences. This blog is in part for me, to see the progress but it’s for anyone whose ever struggled, who is struggling right now to see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and there is hope. It’s not particularly pleasant reading and it is by far the most personal thing I have shared and will ever share.

December 30th 2015

Dark, empty, lonely. That’s how I feel. An acute pain out my left shoulder and struggling to get my breath. Don’t feel like I have the strength to get through this. Hate when people tell me how strong I am. Couldn’t be further from the truth. Have spent the past 36 hours crying. Crying in pain, crying in frustration, crying in despair. Feel like a fraud. Pushing everyone away and ashamed of myself. Digging to my toes to find some morsel of strength to get through today. Days, hours even are a struggle. A battle and today I’m tired. No fight left. Maybe tomorrow will be better, maybe I’ll find that bit of strength. Don’t want to be hopeful. Hope is my biggest enemy. I am my biggest enemy. I am empty. Only I can drag myself from this point ‘Embrace the bad’ I say, stupid. Maybe not. Take each minute as it comes, minutes turn to hours and hours to a day and I’ve survived. Have to recover but it’s a lifetime away. Let’s get through today’s darkness and consider it a success. Build on it and push on. If only it was that easy.

 

 

It’s almost like two different people writing now to who wrote that. What I have to accept is it’s all me, it’s all a part of me and what I made little of above I need to embrace the bad. Obviously a lot easier to embrace the bad during the good times. I’m learning, I’m constantly learning. Learning from myself, from others stories and experiences and from the professionals who are overseeing my recovery. For anyone who has shared their thoughts, who has reached out in any shape or form I cannot convey my thanks, who has shared their story or just had a kind word thank you. To my mam, partner, dad, brothers, sister in-law, nephew, aunts, cousins and my small but amazing group of close friends thank you. Thank you for carrying me when I didn’t have the strength to carry on, even if you weren’t aware how much of a help you were. Thank you for not walking away when I pushed. You make me grateful everyday to have you all in my corner and by my side.

 

I’m taking a break from the  blogging to focus further on my physical recovery over the coming few months. I’ll have mini blogs over on my facebook and twitter pages so feel free to follow. Let’s keep sharing and supporting one another as we wage a war on mental health issues and as always be kind and empathetic. Before you judge walk a mile in that persons shoes.

 

“It is only in our darkest hours that we may discover the true strength of the brilliant light within ourselves that can never ever be dimmed”

“Empathy is about standing in someone else’s shoes, feeling with his or her heart, seeing with his or her eyes. Not only is empathy hard to outsource and automate but it makes the world a better place”

“Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always”

 

 

 

 

This too shall pass

A weird week for me. This time last week I thought I was returning to work today but by Sunday it was very apparent that wasn’t happening. Another setback. Extreme pain and lack of mobility in my neck in particular the left side of it left me a lot further back than where I thought I was physically. Holding my head up for more than 2 hours is excruciating. I had a procedure on this part of my neck just over 3 weeks ago and that makes it all the more frustrating. A trip to my doctor and physio put work back for at least another week, a specific exercise programme aimed at that part of my neck and a change of medication and we’ll re-evaluate where I’m at again next Tuesday. How I’m dealing with the setback is surprising me. I had a cry… ok I had a few cries but other than that I’m staying positive and sticking to what I’ve been told to do. It means spending a lot of the time lying down again but a temporary measure I hope. Staying hopeful it’s just a small set back that will settle shortly. Realising it’s ok to feel sad and not being afraid it’ll overcome me. Respecting the progress I’ve made from a mental point of view and using the tools I’ve been taught over the past 2 years. It’s ok to have a cry, I feel I have to embrace the bad times and bad feelings in the same way I embrace good times and feelings. The days of burying my feelings and bad ones in particular are well behind me. As frustrating as my physical recovery or lack thereof has been it’s important to keep on trucking and stay strong. I am strong and it’s important to acknowledge that fact, well it has been for me. I’ve come through worse. This too shall pass. I’ve always been a positive person and I had lost that on this journey. It’s nice to find that side of me again even if it’s only in small spurts. Some times its easier than others to feel positive but this morning sitting in my back garden meditating with my dog at my feet I felt more positive than I have in a long time and more determined that ever to overcome all of this. I feel comfortable enough with my struggles to continue to embrace them, write about them and speak about them. My struggles are a part of me.

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself ‘I have lived through this horror, I can take the next thing that comes along’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do” – Eleanor Roosevelt

“My story isn’t over yet”